Reaching a State of Peace
It’s my “birth week”, and I’m feeling quite reflective. What else is new here?
Life’s been…weird. And while it’s truly been a mess, and has had quite shitty parts to it, it’s also been really eye opening. It’s been electric, magnetizing, anxiety-rising, and fulfilling, and scary, and wondrous — all at once. I’ve reached a point in my life where I can recognize when I’m having unhealthy thoughts about myself and life, specifically when it comes to the struggles with my weight. After losing a significant amount, and doing what I could to keep it off, struggling at times, I’ve put some back on. And you know, I think about it a lot. (Also, not healthy.) I’ve been far more comfortable with sleeping in longer and missing the chance to do a few workout videos. I’ve been having too much fun laughing and going out to eat with some really great people I’m blessed to be friends with in life. I’ve been a little too focused on living instead of trying to find a healthy balance of taking care of me and still having fun. But I’m gettin’ there, gettin’ back in the groove.
No, the weight gain isn’t a crazy amount; at all. I’m being super dramatic about it, though truly, who isn’t? (If I’m being real right now, even commenting on this entirely is way too dramatic and probably cringey but whatever, it’s what spit out tonight so take it with a smile.) But I definitely sit and look at myself in the mirror from time to time without a shirt on, just in a bra, and stare. I stare, and eventually smile, which is something I seriously have never done before. Not wearing a shirt after I just gained back some of the weight I’ve been desperately trying to keep off, and smiling? That’s a new one. I smile, because I am still me. And I am still beautiful, and funny, and loving, and carefree, and optimistic, and hopeful that people will become kind, self-aware of their progress, and hopeful again. Like I’m on my way of being. I’m changing my approach, or rather, perspective, and saying it’s good and healthy weight.
I smile because I think about the days and nights that contributed to this weight gain filled with too much popcorn, too much alcohol, too many chips, too many (now gluten free) chicken nuggets and french fries. I smile because despite feeling like shit a lot lately, the me I know I am is swimming to the surface, desperate to get out and make an appearance. And she does make an appearance; every single day, no matter if it’s even for a second or two…it’s something. And that’s what matters.
I’m on my way out, and way back to who I am and who I’m going to be. Every day is like climbing a mountain, not just for me, but for us all. We hike up that scary ass mountain with so many bags on our backs, and it’s nice to pause every once in a while and glance over at your neighbor. When you do, don’t forget to give a smile and wave because hey, you don’t know what’s in their bag today and how heavy it is.
Does this seem quite sad and concerning, or is it just me sharing too much again? I promise I’m alright and listening to my T.Swiz.
I sort of feel like that’s what I’m good at though; oversharing in hopes that someone out there will feel some sort of connection or like they’re seen from just reading my gibberish.
Well, we’ll see about that one.
