A Woman With Multiple Talents
Here’s the thing; I know what I’m doing is really not healthy (my mind makes me believe it’s true and will happen every time, even though I know that’s ((probably)) not true!). Yet, I am still doing it. Good one, Sam! I know a few more things here, too : I’m not the only one who is afraid of something happening again because it happened in a previous relationship, I’m not the only one who thinks they’re a burden a lot to others, and I’m not the only one who struggles with reaching out to trusted people when they’re struggling. See? I can do a few things right, like self reflecting because I over analyze every single thing in life, especially myself.
My first two things that I know go hand in hand; I’m afraid of relying too much on others, especially my significant other, because the last time I went through an incredibly rough patch and did that, that person picked up and left. After saying I was “unstable”, and they were afraid that if they weren’t there, I’d do something to hurt myself.
Hold up, let’s pause the story of my freakish mind for a quick second. Never would I *imagine me singing* ever hurt myself, or do whatever the hell that person assumed I would do to myself. Yes, I get incredibly down at times, especially when the red river flows on in. But as down as I get, I wouldn’t ever hurt myself. Come awn, there’s too many people I need to annoy on a daily basis. What would they do without my crazy antics, ridiculous positivity and optimism?
Okay, resume the story. There was so much going on in my life at the time. Just picture this : death after death (literally a funeral almost every month for a full year, and not just ~people~ you know, but people you know and are close to), moving to a whole new place practically on your own (NEW YORK FRICKEN CITY, MIDTOWN MAN-FRICKEN-HATTAN ((you’re also an only child who is freakishly close to her parents)), and your grandma was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. You know, just normal things that an eighteen year old deals with on the daily. SO OBVIOUSLY, a girl needs a fricken vent in her life every once in a while (it was definitely more than a while but THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT). I was definitely not dealing well in Midtown and was suffering (a lot) a bit.
Things had ended between us at a really horrible time but honestly, I couldn’t be more thankful. It created a new bubble of motivation in me to strive, do better for myself, and to build myself into this strong woman who was indestructible. A strong woman who would help herself, get herself out of that rut, and truly take care of herself. And that’s what I did. I got out of Midtown after the spring semester to attend a university where I could commute from home. I had pulled myself out of the dark hole I had somehow buried myself in, and found myself standing taller with my voice stronger, and a little louder.
I may have just made myself believe that I’m the only one who can help myself because other people 1) can’t and don’t want to help/handle it, 2) have enough going on in their own lives to deal/help with whatever is happening in mine, and 3) will leave if it looks as though I am weak. Do I need a therapist or what? HA, I’m my own therapist, too. You got a woman here with multiple talents; who wouldn’t want that?!
I have incredible people in my circle right now, ones that I feel are going to be here for the long haul. Ones that are there for me, every which way, no matter the time or place. Ones that I’m there for in the same way, over and over again, no matter what. I know they all have my back, and would do whatever they could to help me when I go under these spells. I just am not sure how to completely open up, and let go of my irrational fear(s) of letting people read my book without me over their shoulder, making sure their reading it just right and in my voice.
